Previous Top 8 Lists

Top eight reasons why you’d love playing on-line games if you were a dog (9/16/96)

8. Squirrels can’t strafe.

7. When the network goes down, your mouse makes an excellent chew toy.

6. Simple games seem complex because of small brain mass.

5. CD-ROM games often skip because of all of the bite marks.

4. You’re not affected by blood and gore because you can only see in black and white.

3. Chat rooms are off limits to the neutered or spayed.

2. Many games are available where goals include fragging cats, sniffing genitals, and marking territory.

1. alt.binaries.nude.poodles is only a shortcut away.

Top Eight Reasons Why the Feudal Age Stunk (7/29/96)

1. That "Surely you joust!" joke got old real fast.

2. Renaissance babes in corsets were still centuries away.

3. Two words: Plague

4. Wandering ruffians always stopping to tell you their great idea for a Seinfeld episode.

5. The peasants were revolting, if you know what I mean.

6. Used actual leeches instead of lawyers.

7. Most folk worshipped trees.

8. Guinevere wasn't as easy as they say she was.

Eight Great Things About Your Best Friend Being the Village Idiot (6/4/96)

1. Favorite food: Silly Putty.

2. At parties, people will beg him again and again to tell the story about how he created Zima.

3. His clout as Speaker of the House of Representatives will get you a free lap dance at local nudie bars.

4. Two words: whoopie cushions.

5. That piece of felt he constantly strokes can dab your forehead in summer or blow your nose in winter.

6. Will kick the crap out of them Mensa boys in drooling contests.

7. Repeatedly falls for old "pull my finger" gag.

8. You never know when he'll turn to you and say: "My Red Lobster sense is tingling!"

Eight Common Dragon Gripes (5/16/96)

1. Bored with the Quake demo.

2. Latest Teen Beat lists dragons least likely to ever meet Scott Baio.

3. Big piles o' gold aren't tax deductible.

4. Barbara Walters always makes then cry during interviews.

5. Dominoes no longer carries virgin maiden topping.

6. When at family reunions, always having to hear a drunken Kermit the Frog go on and on about the time he "did" Carol Channing.

7. New low-fat knights in shining armor are hard to digest and don't taste nearly as good as the originals.

8. Godzilla never picks up the check.